Self-Reflection through Illness

Last weekend, I got tonsillitis, which left me wondering how on earth did I manifest this. I would wake up unable to speak with a severe migraine, and my body refused to leave my bed. I spent three days taking ibuprofen, hoping that the symptoms would clear, and I could get back to normal life. 

Our world has taught us to reach towards a quick fix when we are not feeling well.  Basically, you get sick, you run towards your medication, hoping it will get rid of your illness. I am guilty for having done the same. I ran towards my best friend, antibiotics, and prayed that I would recover by the time the course was over. I did the same when I had mononucleosis two and a half years ago. I thought, “Who cares if it’s a virus? I just want to get fixed and the doctors always end up giving me antibiotics.” Who should you blame: the doctors or stubborn Shikha?

The next day after my course was over, my symptoms worsened, and this time, I couldn’t get out of bed at all. I sat in silence the whole day, secluded myself from people, and became aware of how my fever would take over my body.  I thought about what caused so much stress within me to manifest this. I began to realize that I had a very stressful and exhausting month, and my body had collapsed from it.

I made a list of questions to understand what had triggered my illness:

When did this start? After the eclipse

How did it start? Self-reflection of past  

What emotions came forth? Sadness, irritation, fear, and exhaustion

I continued asking questions, until I came to a conclusion that I was angry at the Source/God/Universe, whatever you want to call it. It was such a weird realization for me, because I never thought that I could have anger instilled me. I knew right away I had to release it, and I did so by writing down what hurt me. Then, I read it out loud in front of my prayer table, demanding that I receive an explanation as to why such things happened to me. After a moment of silence, I started to see how I received exactly what I needed to become who I needed to be. It was really scary yet exciting to see how the pieces were being put together. I found myself smiling out of joy, because I was able to understand what led me here. My anger had subsided, connection was restored, and emotions were balanced again.  I had nothing but gratitude left within me as I took in this moment with complete acceptance. By the next day, my symptoms reduced, and I knew that I was going to feel better soon.

If I had not taken the time off that I deserved, then I would not have been able to process the anger that was apparently lingering within me. It’s so easy to try to fix pain, because you don’t want to feel uncomfortable by it. Taking time off for yourself shouldn’t cause you to feel guilty, ashamed or even be perceived as a punishment. It is a necessary part of your healing, and definitely, well deserved.