During the past few days, everyone around me has been talking about relationships and the idea of being whole. This got me thinking about the relationship (friendship or romance) ordeal, and how we as separate entities attract them.
There are people who are uncomfortable with the idea of being alone, which is directly related to the ideas of self-worth and self-love. When there is a relationship void, the Self either looks to fill the gap through another connection right away or to seek seclusion for a short period of time. Here are two important questions to ask yourself: Do feel whole or empty when you are alone? Is there also a sense of calmness or anxiety?
Many of us have friends who jump from one romantic relationship to another without spending time self-reflecting. Some of the main reasons for doing so are: loneliness, victimization, discomfort with the Self, trying to move on quickly, or seeking a distraction from the discomfort. Of course, no one wants to go through a period of emotional distress; hence, it's much easier to seek external comfort. However, here is the catch: When you don't take the time to process, then the relationships (friendship or romance) you attract will be similar to your previous ones.
Say what?! How is that possible?
Here's another fun fact: We attract mirror images of ourselves.
When our self-worth is low, we will attract individuals at the same level. When we truly feel and believe we deserve better then we receive that as well. Whatever internal beliefs we have about ourselves is reflected in the people we attract.
Have you ever wondered why victims of domestic violence have the tendency to return to their abusers? Their self-worth is so low, because their internal belief is that they don't deserve anything better. Some women or men even leave abusive relationships to end up in even more abusive relationships; hence, reflecting their internal belief system.
How do you fill the relationship void?
Improve your self-worth
Start-off by carefully watching your thoughts about yourself. Are they self-critical? Then, notice whether you feel confident with yourself (your achievements, goals, external beauty, body, thoughts, and words). Do you think you are not good enough? Write down these answers on a paper. This will help you see whether more work is needed.
Forgive yourself and others
When we forgive, we free ourselves from many negative emotions such as resentment and guilt. You can read my post on how to forgive others here.
When you begin to love yourself, you give room to ample of positive opportunities.
Reflect on your relationship patterns
What kind of individuals did you attract in the past? What did you like? What did you not like? What kind of relationships do you think you deserve? (When you ask this question, you might contradict yourself by saying you deserve this, but you can't receive it. This is another sign of a need to improve your self-worth.)
Meet people you would love to have in your life
After you have taken time off (could vary from weeks to months) to understand what you want, begin to put yourself out there again. It is a possibility for people in your past to return (as a test), but you will have the power and strength to refuse that old, unacceptable pattern. Then, you will have new opportunities to interact with individuals that match your improved self. There's another possibility that this could cause you to flinch as a sign that you are not ready to fully-accept your new Self. Do not stress! This means that you will have a little more work to do.
You must always remember that in order to attract the right people in your life, it's important to be whole and secure with who you are. We don't want to bring in baggage such as unprocessed insecurities, lack of clarity, resentment, worthlessness and false internal beliefs. Instead, we should strive to become better so that we can have positive, meaningful relationships in our lives.