Change your Narrative, Change your Life
The world is filled with numerable narratives located within our environments, histories, books, internet, dialogues, and last but not least, our minds. Our lives are dictated by our internal monologues, assisting us in helping us make decisions and choices that lead us to different outcomes. A simple technique that allows us to change our lives (for the better) is called narrative therapy. Narrative therapy permits us to reframe our stories and aids us in developing feelings of empowerment with a greater sense of self-compassion. In the following, I will provide to you the DIY method that will assist you to reframe your story.
The Process
You can do this with a trusted friend, family member or in front of the mirror. Recite your whole story as you normally would. You may include specific details such as time, dates, environment descriptions and/or any other aspects that you feel is important to your story. As you narrate it, be aware of the emotions that you are projecting. When you are done narrating your story, consider how it makes you feel.
Did you feel sad, stressed out, fearful and/or powerless? Did you feel happy, blessed, lucky and/or empowered? Write down these emotions and/or talk about it to your close friend/family member. Anything else that strikes you, feel free to write it down.
What's your role in the story?
In our stories, we always play a certain role: martyr, victim, hero/heroine, failure, winner, rebel, and etc...In the story that you narrated, take note of what role(s) that you were playing and note them down. It is possible that in multiple segments of your life, you may have played different roles. You may organize it by categorizing each segment with a role. For example, ages 7-10: rebel, ages 15-19: failure and ages 30-40: victim.
The Ending
Towards the end of every story, there's an outcome or a brief statement summarizing the narrative.
Here are two examples:
"Yes, I felt terrible in the process and like nobody cared, but I was able to overcome ___. Now, I feel like I can follow my purpose."
"Yes, I felt terrible in the process, and every day, I feel even more terrible. I feel that even after going through all of that, no one wants to support me. I wake up thinking, why me?"
Both endings depict different roles. The first example may show someone who played the role of a victim and ended up becoming a hero. The second may show someone who feels like a victim or martyr and continues to project him/herself as one.
I Don't Like My Story and/or My Ending
No problem, create an alternative story. This time, repeat your story by focusing on the positive aspects, and reframe negative situations by focusing on your strengths and abilities that allowed you to overcome them. You may do this by yourself or with the assistance of someone close. In this stage, you are externalizing the issues and stepping out of your story. This allows you to see your story for what it is; instead of allowing yourself to identify with your previous story.
At this stage, you may feel emotionally drained or stressed out. Allow yourself to take a deep breath. If you are having any form of anxiety, panic or revisiting traumatic experiences, then it would be best to reach out to a therapist. A therapist would provide to you a safe space to contain and process your emotions and memories.
Conclusion
Our narratives become our way of viewing the world. The more we identify with certain roles, the more we become those roles. When we are so engraved in our story, it may become challenging to change ourselves. We end up looping the same movie over and over again in our heads. We have the freedom and power to change our stories. We just have to be ready to hear them.
After all, Socrates said:
The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.
Meditation Stages
Many of us fear the idea of meditation, while others seek to find ways to learn it. We all know that it requires time, and of course, the ability to become comfortable with ourselves. When I talk about ourselves, I am emphasizing the notion of who we truly are, and not who our mind perceives us to be. Our mind has the capability to create an illusion of who we are and this is the biggest barrier that we must overcome. In the following, I will explain the stages of meditation and how it's possible fight the fear around it.
Planting the Seed (Stage 1)
In the very early stages, you will feel inclined or curious to learn about meditation. Perhaps, a friend or therapist mentioned it. You will begin to look for ways to learn how to meditate through the Internet, books, and/or possibly attend several meditation meetings. You may give up and say that you don't understand it, there is too much on your plate, and/or you are not fit or patient enough to meditate. Here is the catch: your mind is the one giving you these reasons.
Wait, what?? Why the heck would I do that to myself?
Well, when you finally get meditation, your mind will have to surrender a.k.a. shut up once and for all. That's basically like asking a dictator to come down his throne and give away his power. Why would your mind allow that to happen? Be aware of all the excuses your mind gives you.
Sitting with Yourself (Stage 2)
Cool, you got past stage one. Guess what? It doesn't get better.
Your mind is going to keep sending you thoughts as you try to meditate. The chatter is going to be so useless and loud that you may have a difficult concentrating on your breath. Possibly the longest you can go without listening to your mind's chatter is a minute or maybe thirty seconds (let's be realistic). What do you do? How do you keep going?
Buddy, you just keep going.
How can I keep going? I'm frustrated and I even bought a pillow to meditate on.
Then, you have to get your ROI for the pillow you purchased. ;-)
Jokes apart, what happened to me is that I got very tired of my mind's chatter. It was making me anxious and stressed out for no reason. What you need to do is to find a reason to silence your mind. When you become tired of the master (the mind), only then will you be able to rebel (silence it).
When you find a reason, you can start with thirty seconds of silence, then everyday, add thirty more seconds of silence to it. After a while, you will be able to meditate for an hour or so.
Shikha, Sitting with Myself Got Weird (Stage 3)
Dude, it's normal that it gets weird. You have to become friends with yourself all over again.
Strange memories are going to come forward as you sit on your pillow. Emotions might come to hang out with you as well. You might need to mourn your break up from seven years ago or you might see yourself as a child running through the playground. Whatever it is, meditation (after stages 1 and 2) is all about healing especially at the beginning.
Human beings carry a lot of baggage within them and they hide it in the closets of their mind. This causes them to disassociate from their memories. Meditation forces you to see yourself for who you truly are.
Conclusion
Many people are afraid to sit with themselves, because they fear who they are. I couldn't meditate for years, because I thought it was so pointless and I had a certain amount of self-loathing established. Finally, I surrendered and said that i would do anything to feel better, because I was fed up. I needed to be happy. I learnt that when the mind takes control, it creates unnecessary stress and anxiety. The only way to regain control of the mind is to silence it, and that is what meditation is all about.
Mirror Images
Did you know that your mind has the power to attract the individuals that you want in your life?
The people you attract in your life are mirror images of you in that present moment. They will be reflecting the vibration/energy that you are carrying. For example, you're in a difficult period of your life; all of a sudden, you meet individuals reflecting this. Don't stress. This could be used to help you see your state of mind that's being shown to you through someone else. When you make a conscious decision about shifting your energy towards an improved state, the previous individuals may fade out in the background.
The people who remain in your life will be able to raise their energy as you improve and grow on your journey. Basically, you can become a change catalyst by shifting your internal world. But, how can you do this?
You must remember that whatever you don't like about the other person is basically what you don't like about yourself. Whatever you like about the other person is what you like about yourself. Now, our goal should be to find more positives than negatives in ourselves and others. We can do this by practicing self-love and gratitude on our own, and focusing on the positive aspects of life. When you are radiating with love and light, then positive individuals will flock towards you.
Once in a while, we will meet good individuals who are stuck in the grey zone, which is the space negativity. This energy supports anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, confusion, lack of self-worth and many other not-so-great feelings. Who cares? You like them; so, whatever. You might decide to rescue or fix them. You might want to go on a magic carpet ride and show them the world. You might put up with their noise. You might decide to make them your life-long project. Eventually, time will pass and they still remain stuck in the grey zone. Guess who is accompanying them? You.
What should you do? We must remember that we are not responsible for other people's lives, and we cannot control anyone. Before we were born on this physical realm, we signed up for one life only. We must give respect to our lives by being authentic, free, and loving towards ourselves and others. This is the best way to live.
If the individuals in the grey zone decide to shift their energy towards healing, then you might see them pop back into your life. However, sometimes this is a fluke and an impermanent state. They might want to stay in your life, but they might self-sabotage any positive experience they have with you. That's a sign that it's time to say bye bye, because we deserve to have our lives to be filled with unconditional love and happiness.
My friends do not be afraid to change yourselves, because when you do, your external world changes as well. Remember that all the power is in your mind, and you have the ability to conquer all your fears. Be patient and gentle with yourself, and find something positive in every situation. This is the way to having positive, enlightened life which is our divine right.
How to Forgive Others
There comes a point in life when your heart becomes heavy from the inability to forgive others. To a certain extent, it's completely fine to feel resentment; however, when this is turned into a grudge, then it's high time to let go.
I wrote down the names of people that have emotionally affected my wellbeing over the course of time. There were several that I cut off from my life completely, but the resentment still lingered. It felt silly that I was upset at people who didn't even know that I was. It's usually very easy for me to forgive and to close the chapter completely. However, I found myself saying statements such as:
Why should I move on?
Why should I forgive?
What do I get from being nice/kind?
Why should I let go?
They deserve the worst experiences in life.
When you wish horrible things to happen to someone, then this backfires on you. You give room to more negative energy within you, which heightens negative events in your life. This is why those who gossip about others end up creating toxic environments in their lives.
Every time I found myself saying that I hated them or wanted the worst events to happen to them, I quickly caught and asked myself why I wanted this. Of course, the answer is usually, "they hurt me." But, by acting like this, how am I different from them?
I changed the course of my energy towards this statement:
I want them to find the light that will make them acknowledge the grief that they have given me.
When someone acknowledges what he or she has put someone else through, it is powerful enough to end grief and for the other person to forgive him or her. On a side note, everyone develops spiritually at a different pace and there are some that do not develop at all (very sad). We do not know when acknowledgement will occur or whether it will even happen.
The least you could do is with an open-heart send them kind, positive words, letting them know that you are forgiving them. For some, this may take weeks, months, or years, because resentment will come forth. This is your mind trying to shield you from more pain (defense mechanism). Do not stop grief from flowing out of your body, because that will turn into a grudge. Instead, feel the sadness and let yourself know that you don't need to carry this burden anymore.
Remember that when you forgive others, you forgive yourself. Therefore, you are reducing self-hatred and creating an opportunity to heal. You do not have to worry about seeking justice through revenge, because our dear friend Karma will pull out her sword at those who consciously hurt you in the past. We all know how vicious she can be!